All we have is now, for the rest of our lives

I’ve been quite introspective these last few days.  I’m not sure why exactly.  Part of me wonders if it’s because I subscribed to a news feed in my Google Reader called ‘Zen Habits’, or because I’ve started listening to an audiobook by Ekhart Tolle called ‘The Power of Now’.  In all honesty it’s probably a combination of this and the fact that I’ve said and done things I’m not too proud of recently when I’ve been drunk.  This of course was directed towards my ex.  This time however it was her who re-engaged the communication between us.  I’m not going to dwell on it this time but basically I came to the conclusion that if I didn’t want this to keep happening I’d have to make her hate me, so I sent her a nasty txt, slagging her off about some things I’d heard about her.  I was really nasty and felt horrible about it the next day.  Inevitably I got an equally harsh text back but that was to be expected.  I didn’t quite expect to hate myself so much afterwards though.  Knowing I only did it for the overall greater good didn’t soften the negative feeling I had about it like I thought it would.

Now that that’s the last nail well and truly driven into the coffin and I know for 100% certainty that she hates me, it’s a lot easier to pretend she doesn’t exist.  Going from being in love with someone to actually being completely indifferent to them in the space of a couple months is a really eye-opening experience and it just really reinforces the mantra of living in the moment and experiencing things to the full while you can.  You never know how quickly things can change or how long they’re going to last.

I know this is going against the whole last paragraph of the last post where I said I wouldn’t spend any more time on the subject but I think it’s important to mention what the last few months have taught me, about myself and about what kind of person I am.  And trying to draw the positives from things and learn from them.

Some things I’ve known all along about myself is that I can be very stubborn and sometimes fail to see things from someone else’s point of view.  If I think I’m right, I’ll go in with 100% conviction and it’s difficult to persuade me I’m wrong.  I wouldn’t say this trait extends to all areas of my life though.  In terms of work and learning new things, it’s usually quite good to be proven wrong because at least you learn something and usually it can be a bit of an eye-opener and help you to see things in a different light.  I don’t know, maybe it’s a trait of someone who’s a person who thinks in terms of what makes logical sense, yet isn’t able to appreciate that even logic itself is subjective and what makes logical sense to you might not make logical sense to someone else.

I also have a tendency sometimes to stick my oar in where it’s not wanted.  I don’t always appreciate that just because I have a pretty good life and job etc. that it isn’t easy for others to attain the same thing.  My lifestyle affords me to be quite laid back and easy going.  I just can’t appreciate sometimes why something might be stressing someone out.  Something that to me might seem trivial and from my perspective easy to fix, yet at the same time is nothing that I have a say over and have no business interfering in.  I guess you could say this isn’t so bad because at least my intentions are good, but still, that isn’t always enough.

Ok, that’s enough shite.  I feel like I’ve gone off on a huge tangent to what I was initially wanting to write about.  I’m not even sure if what I’ve just written makes sense or is actually relevant to anything but I’m not going to spoil the authenticity of this blog by going back and deleting or editing things.  I’ve never done that (except to fix typos) in the past and I don’t intend to start now.

The basic point I was trying to get across (I think ) is that I want to become a better person.  After having a pretty tough time of it lately emotionally I want to make sure that now that I’m looking forward, I’m doing so with a positive outlook.  I once read somewhere a comment about the whole ‘just be yourself’ thing.  I think it’s was the common advice given to people who are trying to impress someone on their first date, ‘oh just be yourself, you’ll be fine’.  The quote that stuck in my mind (thought not very firmly evidently) was something about ‘don’t just be yourself, be your best self’.  I like that.  I like the idea that you should always be striving to improve yourself and be a better person, by identifying your short-comings and working to improve them. I think though before you can commit to making a positive change in your life you really need to have a reason to do it.  Thankfully for me I think I’ve found that reason.  I’ve met someone that really makes me want to strive to be a better person and to do right by them.  It’s early days though so I’m not going to say anything more about it, but hopefully if all goes well there’ll be some happier posts on here in future.

Right, now to make this post more like the classic ‘point in time’ posts of the past, I feel like I need to mention that today I got my boiler fixed, so I no longer have to wash at the sink using a kettle as my only source of hot water.  My bathroom is going to be undergoing a lot of work in a few weeks / months time.  A bit of redecorating thanks to my Dad and his inability to not have a DIY project on the go, combined of course with his generosity.  I’ve got a date on Saturday that I’m looking forward to very much.  I’m still trying to save up for my holiday of a life-time to California and I’m occasionally now beating Hamish at Squash, including a 5 games to 1 victory last week (including a granny in the last game).  I haven’t been climbing in a couple weeks but am eager to get back into it again, this time with a focus more on bouldering and lead climbing.  I haven’t read a good book in a while and am eager to find something juicy to get stuck into.  Currently having to make-do with some short stories by Ian Rankin.  I could really use another decent rockstar autobiography or something like that, but I can’t think of anyone just now.  Any suggestions?

Ok, gonna leave it there.  Apologies for the varied nature of this post, including all the weird psychological crap at the beginning and middle which probably makes no sense and makes me seem like a total freak.

Current mood: Mental (probably)
Currently Listening to: Lifehouse – Make Me Over

Laters

April 6th, 2010 by Goatie | Comments Off